I-i-I need to get a handle on this.
’s not the easiest thing I’ve ever done,
pu-put-putting myself out like this.
I want–wait–I need to work up to it.
Can’t go back, can’t re-write.
I’m writin’ this up on cocktail napkins ‘n coasters.
It’s pay by the word,
but I got this feelin’ in me,
like I won the lotto.
You ever won the lotto?
I did once,
won me five whole dollars,
bought a pack of gum,
‘n lost the rest down a storm drain.
’s just kinda like that,
l-l-life I mean.
It gives a taste,
‘n takes the rest.
’s like gettin’ an ice cream,
‘n droppin’ it after the first lick.
Sucks.
Reminds me,
Since I’m gonna be rich ‘n all,
I don’t suppose you mind blowjobs?
I mean, you don’t have to.
I know they aren’t for everyone,
but I can’t help but look at them pornos ‘n know–
–that’s for me man, oh god in heaven that is for me man, man oh man oh man oh man.
This ain’t so hard.
I ain’t never been much good at this:
talkin’ to folks.
Struck me about as easy as climbin’ that mount Everest.
I get all tired,
‘n I’m suckin’ air like there ain’t enough around.
Ain’t ever enough around.
It’s like I walk out the doors,
‘n they’re all starin’ at me,
they’re all judgin’ me toe to tip,
takin’ in all the bads I done.
Suckin’ me dry of sin,
eatin’ up that time I saw that girl skinny dippin’,
how ashamed I was,
but she was beautiful,
‘n-‘n-‘n she just smiled at me, nice ‘n big,
waved me over, called,
but I knew the devil’d be beautiful,
knew he’d tempt me.
Bible told me so,
that-that-that or the minister.
Same ain’t it?
Suppose I should’a mentioned this earlier,
I’m god fearin’,
so we’re gonna hafta get hitched before-hand.
It ain’t that I don’t trust ya,
but all my family made it up to heaven,
‘n I’d just like to join ’em.
Hope that ain’t a problem for you.
I mean–
I dunno.
I just know what a hole looks like after it’s been dug,
‘n that’s, that’s what I look at my empty bed ‘n feel.
Don’t know if I want love,
or if the devil is speakin’ …
{he’s speakin’ so hard dear, you don’t know/i watch those pornos/’n I know they ain’t nothing like it is,but i can’t help imaginin’ what you taste like/the way you move beneath my hands/thrustin’ against my face as i find the taste of you/you grippin’ my hair so hard it hurts/but i-i-i don’t care cause you’re moanin’ ‘n i can feel my heartbeat in my fingertips as i’m going thump-athump-athump for you/and i’m swollen against you/’n you’re kissing me/pullin’ me over you/into you/’n i-i-i dunno/it’s all sweat ‘n kisses ‘n low moans after that/and ain’t no porno I ever seen capture the heat of that}
I got this gut feelin’;
it builds up like I got stormclouds for intestines,
‘n rumbles through me like a hurricane shakes the levies,
and it’s the devil-the devil-the devil callin’ me,
tellin’ me to leave god’s graces.
sun was sparklin’ that day.
made everything glisten,
‘n I always liked the way she held me when the judgin’ got too much.
smelled like fresh cut grass n’ summer,
burnin’ burnin’ with life,
n’ back behind the shed she used to whisper secrets,
things she thought people’d judge her for,
they-they-they scared me,
but she didn’t grow horns,
didn’t hold me different after I knew.
sun was sparklin’ that day,
‘n her lips sparkled,
‘n all I wanted was just a taste of her,
but life, life’s like a kid droppin’ an ice-cream cone.
Don’t lose nothin’ if you don’t take that first bite.
Life, it don’t work like that always.
Saw her yesterday.
Ain’t never seen a person swing like a wind-chime before,
but it blew, ‘n she swung,
‘n poppin’ my hands on my ears sputtered all them wails into a song,
‘n that minister, he held me,
he said, “it don’t have to be like this, son, this ain’t the way out of sadness.”
‘n I couldn’t hear him anymore,
my hands over my ears again,
but his lips moved like it was real important,
real-real-real important ’cause I ain’t never seen him cry before,
caught the end ‘n it was like,
“son, more than anything, God wants you to be happy. He wants you to ask when you need help.“
‘n I looked at him and asked,
“but what about the devil?”
He pointed at her in that oak tree behind the shed,
the one where she told me she thought she was gonna be an astronaut,
one night we snuck out to look at the stars together;
he said “this is what he wants more than anything. As long as you’re alive, you can be forgiven, ‘n there ain’t anything the Lord won’t forgive, if you mean it when you say you’re sorry ‘n you’ll change”
They always said the devil’d be beautiful,
‘n I looked out at her swimmin’
‘n I knew she had the devil whisperin’ in her.
Made sense now.
I ain’t much for writin’,
‘n I know they charge by the word ‘n all,
but I can’t help but feel like I won the lotto,
’cause it makes me real sad I didn’t ever let her know how much I liked when she held me,
before she up tried her hand at wind-chiming.
{i-i-i know that ain’t it, i know she’s dead, but it ain’t so easy to say}
I know I wouldn’t a saved her,
I know all the good in her was in her,
but it can’t have hurt to let her know how much I liked when she held me,
how much I wanted to join her when she waved me in,
so I figure I got this choice:
my gut feels like runnin’,
or findin’ someone who’ll hold me like she did,
‘n I ain’t givin’ up the chance to taste them,
to tell them how much it means to me.
I know that maybe it ain’t right,
but I figure God’ll forgive me.
I got my whole life to beg him of that.
