It ain’t that “love” is a dirty word,
Ain’t that it don’t mean nothin’,
Ain’t that you should stop lookin’.
I don’t regret none of what my love’s taught me.
That first time,
Des-per-ate, sloppy,
She put up with my drool slidin’ down her lips.
She was my first kiss,
Passion sloshin’ over the edge,
Never saw her naked,
Knew I loved her anyhow.
i was so damn worried,
the need in me you built,
felt like i couldn’t breathe–
without your lips against mine.
asked if it was wrong,
that all i wanted was to kiss you more.
I am passionate
I am lustful
I am bursting
“but I loved you!”
that’s what she said,
I was on break at work,
‘n she was at Coldstone Cremery,
Makin’ a scene over the phone,
Embarressin’ her friends,
Knockin’ my toes together,
Not knowin’ what to do,
I don’t–I don’t love you.
you ain’t the first person to obsess,
doubt you’ll be the last,
i dunno if it’s them, or me,
but i know i led you on,
traded you in for somethin’ easy.
but i didn’t mean to make you think–
i didn’t–not ever–i didn’t love you.
I am deceptive
I am manipulative
I am petty
After that rough first time,
Sex was good.
‘n we were together,
‘n it didn’t look like it would end,
I wasn’t happy,
But I was fine with content,
‘n she did all sorts to please me,
Wore the clothes I liked,
we didn’t ever talk,
‘n she was the first reason–
i ever suspected i was a bad man.
i never knew i lied,
but i didn’t miss her when she was gone,
‘n even the fuckin’ got old.
i couldn’t tell you all the places we fucked…
I am cruel
I am disconnected
I am selfish
I still remember wakin’ up in the middle of the night,
Gettin’ my dad,
‘n pickin’ her up off the street.
–her dad had screamed into the phone,
–hung it up,
–picked her up by the neck,
–’n threw her against the wall
She was dazed, ‘n just wanted out,
We said it before then,
But that was the night I decided I wanted to marry her.
i was always tryin’ to take hurt away,
always-always-always had to be the damn knight–
in garish blindin’ armor.
‘n she was fine with it,
was happy to let me,
’til i couldn’t,
’til we needed each other equally.
we both failed that test.
I am kind
I am caring
I am deluded
She looked me in the eyes,
I knew she was goin’.
“I think I might love you.”
‘n I knew she had to stay.
I knew it’d make her feel better,
‘n I knew she’d stay.
i knew i didn’t mean it,
but think is a trick word,
‘n i’m all for tricky,
i was tired of bein’ alone,
decided she was gonna save me.
I am lonely
I am unfeeling
I am a liar
I think she meant it when she said it;
I was just lost in the fantasy.
i didn’t lie,
but that doesn’t mean i meant it,
and for that i’m sorry.
I am unreliable
I am delusional
I am flawed.
Love, it don’t pull no punches,
‘n every lesson it teaches is a hard one.
Those of us who keep learnin’,
We just have more to learn.
It ain’t that “love” is a dirty word.
Ain’t that it don’t mean nothin’.
Ain’t that you should stop lookin’.
I just ain’t as good a man as I wanna be,
‘n love just keeps remindin’ me of that.
